"The Burdens we Carry, do have their purpose"
On April 6th Don was scheduled to fly out to Mesa for a whole week! This was planned by the company he works for 'Cable One' they sent him there for Senior Tech Training, I think? The training would last the entire week, and he would come home Friday evening! I was certainly excited for him to go and learn all the new things they would be teaching him, I was excited that this time next year we would see in his pay a big change as a result of going to Mesa for training. I was also excited that he would get to see my Dad. I was also happy for him, because I knew he would enjoy the time away.
Now if you ask me, I was not happy he was leaving me alone. Alone with two little boys, and the overwhelming fear of being alone if something happened to him. Yea, I know he wasn't leaving me but he would be away and I knew it wouldn't be that simple for me. The fear I had in my mind was the plane was going down with him in it and I would never see him again, well alive in one week! I thought so much about it, that it made me sick to my stomach! At night I would lay in my bed with tears streaming down my cheek thinking that I wouldn't see him on Friday. I spend a lot of time praying for his safety! I dwelt on my childhood, about my step Dad passing away, he was a great man! I miss him so deeply, I prayed each night that he would protect my dear sweet husband. I also dwelt on the passing of Don's dad, which at the time, hit me like a ton of bricks, I didn't know his Dad really well, but the passing of my step Dad felt so recent that I couldn't bare another loss, especially a loss that hurt my New husband so badly!! The only blessing; I could hold in my heart for Don was the joy he felt, knowing that weekly prior to his fathers death, they would talk anywhere, anytime, for a long/short periods of time. I prayed that his father would protect him and bring him home to me. Death is so sudden, it's my fear that it might happen to me, too soon!
You know, I get that death is the circle of life, that we will see our loved ones again, that if we have hope, faith, prayer, and all the other things to build ourselves up we will be okay. I have this burden for a purpose, I know if I strive to understand why, and what I can do to change my feelings I will one day be able to let my sweet husband pass without "letting him" take me with him.
I can say, last Friday my dear sweet husband landed safely at the Boise Airport where the kids and I picked him up and brought him home. I did great with the kids, they were well behaived and obeyed fairly well, as I thought? I didn't fear being alone in my home, our safety wasn't my concern. What I feared was Don not walking off the plane. Looking back at the burden I carried while he was away, has made me feel that I have the power to overcome this great burden. One day I will, BUT I can say it won't be today or tomorrow but it will be in time. I told Don, have been hurt by many experiences in my life. For once, I got something right! Its you, and losing you, before I know how to let go will harm me forever. This is my greatest fear!
My Blessed Patriarchal Blessing says, I bless you with optimism in your trials, with patience and fortitude. I bless you with faith in Jesus Chirst which will stand forever!!
I will earn how to 'let go!'
Jamie Wells
